The Year of Me (A Self-Care Journey of Healing and Self Discovery)

The YEAR OF ME was a self-care journey of healing, confidence building, and self discovery. This is a story of how self-care practices like journaling and taking small steps can provide the strength needed to make tough choices.

 

New Year’s resolutions seem to be a thing of the past. In recent years, resolutions seem to have been replaced by the “Word of the Year.” Instead of setting individual goals for one’s self, people identify a guiding theme of a single word to influence their future choices and actions – words like independence, resilience, creativity, calm, connection and others.

Like with many trends, I was one of the last to know… except that this time, I wasn’t REALLY the last to know. Because a lot of people seem to choose SELF-CARE as their word of the year, and I jumped on THAT bandwagon years ago. Except I didn’t call it self-care at the time. I called it the Year of Me.

After seeing so many people share their self care goals and plans online, I feel compelled to share my story as well.

This is my self care story – a year long journey of healing, empowerment, and self discovery. Ultimately, my Year of Me gave me the strength I needed to make some tough choices.

 

A Little Background Information

It was the start of 2005. I had just moved nearly 1000 miles across the country to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. My marriage was struggling, we were drowning in credit card debt, I was unsatisfied with my job, I was lonely, and I was gaining weight. I knew something had to change.

Determined to make positive changes, I set three goals for myself:

1. Lose some weight.
2. Do something for myself each day.
3. Work towards fixing my home life.

 

My Self-Care Journey

I started my journey with a journal – a pretty pastel blue journal with pale green trim. On the front page, I wrote my name and the date followed by the words “The Year of Me.” Underneath that, I wrote my three goals. The remaining pages were used to track anything I deemed important (credit card debt totals, weight, etc), but mostly, I used it to record the things I did each day that I was proud of or grateful for. This journal became a force of positivity for me over the course of the year. I would refer back to it often to reflect on how far I’ve come. In fact, I have come to call it a Positivity Journal when I tell others about my experience.

 

Doing Something for Myself

I also wanted to do something for myself every single day. Like many moms, I had fallen into the role of martyr in our family. I would do for others at the expense of myself. So I started small. And I tracked most of it in my little positivity journal. By making note of these small “me” moments, it made them feel significant and helped me to remain intentional with finding these moments.

I started by rereading some of my favorite books – Pride and Prejudice, Jane Eyre, Little Women, The Secret Garden, etc. Then, I moved on to new books. I have always loved reading but, as a mom and wife, it had begun to feel like a guilty pleasure; it took my attention away from my child, my husband, my housework responsibilities, etc. So renewing my beloved reading habits by giving myself permission to take this time for myself seemed like an obvious place for me to start.

I also began to take long walks – by myself or with my toddler in his stroller – when the weather would cooperate. Long walks always help me clear my head and improve my mood. In fact, according to the National Institutes for Health, walking can relieve stress, improves mood, increases energy, improves sleep and more. These are all things that I consider important for self care.

 

Diet and Exercise Baby Steps

I approached weight loss through a series of three baby steps – food moderation, light cardio, and light strength training – and, of course, I tracked all of my progress in my new positivity journal. I tracked what exercise I did each day and any healthy eating choices that I was particularly proud of for the day. I also tracked weight loss. I stepped on the scales every single morning but I only made note of it in my journal if the number had gone down. I did NOT record any weight gains.

At first, I did not make any major changes regarding my diet. I just ate more reasonable portion sizes. As I began to lose a little weight here and there, I felt encouraged and began to make healthier food substitutions like having an apple as my afternoon snack instead of cookies or crackers. With the healthy substitutions, I saw more progress on the morning scales and I continued to make even healthier choices. Eventually, food just fell into place for me.

For cardio, I simply strived to do something that caused me to break a sweat each day. Some days that was housework, some days that involved a “dance party” in my living room with my toddler, some days that was a vigorous walk around the neighborhood, and some days it involved riding my stationary exercise bike while I read a book.

As I began to enjoy simple cardio activities more, I began to add in some strength training type activities as well. I would use hand weights in the bathroom while my toddler enjoyed leisurely long baths. I would use a video of 10-minute belly dancing workouts which was a really fun way to work a lot of different muscle groups. And, I followed a few simple routines that I found in various magazines. It worked for me. I did not have a set strength training schedule; there were no “arms day” or “legs day” in my strength training routines. I just threw in whatever small strength training activities I wanted to whenever I wanted to. As I began to feel stronger and see some muscle definition, I felt encouraged to do more. I wanted to do more.

Like with my eating habits, exercise kind of fell into place for me after a while.

 

Taking Control of My Home Life

Meanwhile, I jumped at a job opportunity. A position within my company’s two-person marketing department became available. I immediately approached the HR Director and told him that I had experience in marketing and would be happy to come in on my days off (I worked part-time back then) to assist in that department until they had filled the position. He accepted my offer of help, and I quickly made myself helpful and indispensable within that department. I loved working in the marketing department, and about a month later, I was offered the full-time marketing position.

While many things were falling into place (weight loss, job satisfaction, hobbies), there was one big home life area that continued to be a struggle – my failing marriage.

 

Not Everything Fell Into Place

As a person, I was proud of who I was becoming – a strong and confident go-getter that takes positive steps to make things happen. I was growing in all areas of my life except my marriage.

But I was determined to turn my marriage around.

I had found success by starting with baby steps in other areas of my life so I decided to attempt to rescue my floundering marriage through small steps as well. I sat down to have a chat with my husband. I told him how frustrated I felt and what I thought we needed to work on as a couple. I wanted him to brainstorm solutions with me. Ultimately, I felt like that burden of solution-finding was left squarely on my shoulders with a promise from him to do whatever I felt was necessary.

So I did the work. I sat down, felt my feelings, identified issues, and brainstormed potential solutions. The solutions I felt we needed to pursue included creating (and sticking to) a budget, marriage counseling, less alcohol consumption on his part, more honesty between us, more equitable sharing of the household workload, and more quality time together.

These were great solutions but the thing about healing a marriage is that it takes commitment from both parties.

 

Setbacks and/or Sabotage

The process of closely evaluating my marriage and taking steps to improve it was hard. It required commitment, creative thinking, courage and resilience. With every step I took in my relationship with my husband, I seemed to encounter a setback. Most of the “helpful” relationship books I read turned out to not be very, umm, helpful. And, oftentimes I felt that my efforts were being thwarted or sabotaged by my husband.

Relationship books told me to “fix yourself and you’ll fix your marriage” or they said to “be the person you want your spouse to be” with promises that the spouse will begin to mirror your actions in response. That sort of one-size-fits-all advice doesn’t always work though.

Additionally, it became apparent that my husband was not as committed to making changes as I was. This manifested itself in the form of empty promises, hidden receipts, keeping secrets and sometimes even ridicule of my attempts at change. It felt like sabotage. (In reflection years later, I suspect it was really more of a misguided attempt to hide his own insecurities and certain behaviors he was not proud of.)

 

Self-Care Gave Me Strength to Make Tough Choices

The truth is that I had been unhappy in our marriage for a while. As much as I pushed for changes over the years, things never did change. Yet, I allowed the situation to continue. I didn’t have the confidence to push hard for what I really wanted – love, acceptance, respect.

In the past, I found so many reasons why I shouldn’t push too hard because… what if it really did end my marriage? How would I survive a divorce? I thought that maybe no one else would ever love me. Maybe I would lose the few friends I had left. I didn’t know how I would make ends meet with only my income. I was afraid of being alone.

But something changed during my Year of Me. I gained confidence and became stronger. My positivity journal reminded me that I had worth and value. It showed me that I deserved respect. Through little steps, I learned that I could do difficult stuff and accomplish great things. It buoyed my spirits and showed me that I can create a better future for myself.

I was finally ready to face my fears and do what needed to be done…even if that meant moving on.

Ultimately, I ended up issuing an ultimatum to my husband. Two months later, I was talking to lawyers and filing for a divorce.

Self-care gave me the strength I needed to know my worth, make that tough decision, and move forward in my life.

 

A New Journey Began

In case you are wondering if I got my “happily ever after” ending, I did. Although I did not obtain the exact outcome I had hoped for when I started the Year of Me, I did gain strength, confidence and self respect. And, ultimately, I found happiness as I took control of my life.

I packed up my belongings and my toddler son, and we moved 1000 miles across the country to live with my parents for a while. I found a great job, created a budget and paid off my debts. I reconnected with friends and family. I found that I was (am) enough.

A couple years later, I even found love. Real love this time. Unconditional love and acceptance from a man who is devoted to me and respects me. (You can catch a glimpse into the start of that relationship in my previous post.) We married. My son and I moved in, and we created a home together. We expanded our family by adding two more children to our brood. We take care of one another, we tackle problems together, and I like to think that we are modeling what healthy loving relationships should look like for our children.

Life is not perfect. But it’s pretty good. And, I know that I am strong enough and resourceful enough to weather any rough times that may lie ahead.

 

Lessons in Self-Care

The Year of Me was such a transformative time in my life, and I am so glad to have had that experience. It taught me a lot of valuable lessons that continue to guide me today.

When I feel as though I’m losing sight of myself or that I’m not happy with the direction of my life, I can apply those lessons and it usually helps me to get back on track.

A few key takeaways from my Year of Me include the following:

Focus on the positives. My positivity journal was such a blessing to me. In tumultuous times, it is so easy to lose sight of the good happening around me. My journal really helped me to focus on the positive moments which motivated me to keep moving forward.

SIDE NOTE:  I still find joy in rereading my positivity journal from back then. With sentimental sappiness, I love to read about the small things that brought me pleasure in those days. The half pound lost, the dance party workouts, applying for that marketing job I really wanted, a walk on the beach, receiving a letter from my grandma, a 2-hour phone conversation with my best friend, fitting into my favorite old pair of jeans, a positive review from my boss, etc.

Use small steps to build forward momentum. When it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, it is often easier to focus on one small step at a time. And, with each small successful step, your end goal begins to feel a little more attainable. Before you know it, you realize that you have made significant progress.

Move on from the negative stuff. Again, this is where my positivity journal really helped out. By only tracking the positive stuff, I realized that the small mistakes (like falling into old habits for a day) doesn’t make you a hopeless case. I could easily flip through my journal and see that, despite a temporary setback, I am still making strides in the right direction.

Make yourself a priority. Remember that your wants and needs are important, too. So many of us put ourselves last. And what message are you sending to yourself by putting yourself last? By putting yourself first at times, you are sending yourself a clear message that you have value. You are worthy.

Exercise caution when accepting advice from others. Remember that just because something worked for someone else, it may not work for you. Every person’s situation is different, every person’s solution will be different as well. So take any advice you are offered with a grain of salt.

Accept the things you cannot change. Life doesn’t always go the way you want it to. Some things are out of your control. When you come to an impasse because of conditions out of your control, the only productive thing you can do is to accept it and determine how to move on from there.

Trust yourself. In my case, I often know what I need to do deep down. But I still struggle to listen to my own inner voice. I sometimes allow fear to win and find myself stuck in unhelpful patterns. When I take the time to sit alone with my thoughts, my inner voice becomes clearer. The Year of Me has taught me to trust that inner voice. 

Action is better than inaction. Things won’t change if nothing happens to prompt change. If you are unhappy with something in your life, the only way to change that is through action. So take the time to evaluate the situation, brainstorm possible solutions, and then take some baby steps towards your end goal.

Your journey may not end the way you envision it, and that’s okay. You may set out on your own self care journey with a specific end result in mind. But as you move forward in your life, you may find yourself headed down a slightly different path. As long as you are stronger, more confident and happier in the end, then it’s okay. Accept your new path, and keep moving forward.

All of these lessons continue to serve me well. They have helped me make a lot of tough decisions over the years regarding my career, pursuing my dreams and standing up for myself. 

 

What Has Your Self-Care Journey Been Like?

So I don’t usually get this personal on my blog, and I was hesitant to publish this blog post. But then my brother told me that there could be someone out there who needs to hear this right now. With that in mind, here it is – my story about one of the most intimate parts of my life. 

I hope you found my story to be inspiring or helpful (or at least interesting). Furthermore, I hope that you are practicing self care for yourself. We all go through tough things in life, and self care is especially important in those really tough times. 

Please remember that everyone’s self care journey is different. Your journey and practices may vary greatly from mine. While my self care practices include journaling and baby steps, yours may be something entirely different. That’s okay! The important thing is that we are taking care of ourselves in ways that work for us as individuals.

Hugs to you, hugs to me, and hugs to us all! Thank you for reading about my journey – my Year of Me.

• Have you been through an experience like my Year of Me?
• Did you find it helpful to hear about my experience?
• Is journaling part of your self-care practices?
• What other things do you do to practice self-care?

 

 

YOU MAY ALSO ENJOY THESE OTHER BLOG POSTS WHERE I GET PERSONAL:

• My Magnificent Birthday on the Magnificent Mile
• The Book That Means the Most
• My Favorite Sticky Holiday Traditions
• 25 Little Things the Pandemic Taught Me
• My Bucket List